Some of us have a hard time believing that we are actually able to face our own pain. We have convinced ourselves that our pain is too deep, too frightening, something to avoid at all costs. Yet if we finally allow ourselves to feel the depth of that sadness and gently let it break our hearts, we may come to feel a great freedom, a genuine sense of release and peace, because we have finally stopped running away from ourselves and from the pain that lives within us.
I came across this excerpt from the book Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood by Wayne Muller and it really resonated with me. But this is not about my childhood, it was something that I experienced about a year ago.
For a week I was confused and totally lost. I would always cry myself to sleep and in the morning I would wish that I never woke up again. Yes… I know… I was pathetic. Yet, I needed to act like everything’s okay. I would put on a smile but deep inside I was so broken. I would keep myself busy trying to distract myself but always ended up feeling wasted.
I opted to write about this today since it was exactly a year ago when I tried to run away from my family because of my foolishness in love. My feelings really consumed me. I became stubborn and irrational that I didn’t think about what my family will feel. I left home and did something that I thought was right at that time. I just decided to come back when I finally realized that the love of my family is enough. If someone dumped me, then I should just accept it, grieve, rise up again and move forward with my life.
It’s hard to move on from a failed decade-long relationship which almost ended up in marriage. But life will become harder if you will continue to insist yourself to someone who no longer shares the same vision or just simply not on the same page with you anymore. I know I’ve already done everything I can to save the relationship so I didn’t have regrets. A friend told me that I should thank my ex for saving me from a relationship that will be watered down in the end. I think it’s true. The right person will never give up on you and your relationship no matter how hard the circumstances can get.
Currently, I am completely comfortable with being single. I no longer waste my time worrying about someone not calling or texting me when he promised he would. I’m already used to waking up in the morning without a good morning text or in the evening, without a good night and I love you text. I can now do things on my own, enjoy going to places and meeting new people without wishing that he was there too. And that was very liberating!
I may not be fully healed yet but I know that I’m getting there. God will never allow things to happen if they aren’t for our best interest. For now, I just need to focus on myself to become a better version of me. Because I believe that God’s blessings will come upon us once we’re really ready to receive them.
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